2.12.06

As I sit and reflect on my day I can't help but figure out why I am so sad all of the time. Last night we were able to go out with so many of our good friends and have a BLAST. I did not have mass this morning so it was a nice day off. Today we were able to do a whole lot of nothing until I had to get to rehearsal. At about 12:30, Ryan asked me to go out and get us lunch to which I told him I wasn't interested and that if he wanted something he could go and get it. It is my only day off for a while and I thought that I deserved to just relax this morning. He wouldn't let it go so I went to Subway and got us lunch. That upset me. I don't know why he doesn't understand that my days off are few and far between. His days off are actual days off. Anyway, it was just something that really bugged me.

I really enjoy my time alone. Whether it is in the car or sleeping, I love it. However, the more I think the more I realize things about myself that maybe were better off undiscovered. Last weekend I realized that it's not actually my fear of being alone as much as a fear of being stuck - or settling. I also realized that my biggest fear is beign replaced. The thought of someone else doing what I do better than I do it and being asked to continue instead of me just terrifies me. I try to keep telling myself that I am a good teacher, a good student, a good wife, etc., but it's just not helping. It seems that the only times I feel better are when I'm talking to Nathan or just finish reading an e-mail from him. I think that my ability to "let things go" is becoming more and more difficult. I've always had a hard time letting him go, but it's just getting worse. It becomes worse around those times when it is his birthday or our anniversary. I have to figure out what it is going to take to make myself happy. I don't know what it is going to take, but I know that I need to figure it out.